The couch potato's college football TV guide

There is a lot of college football happening this weekend. We can tell you what you have to watch and what you should avoid like the plague.

The ratings are simple: 4 potatoes = must-see, 1 potato = channel change.

All times Eastern.

No. 1 LSU vs. North Texas, 7:00 P.M. ESPNU

What you need to know: LSU hasn't had a very quiet August. The Tigers lost Tyrann Mathieu, Hurricane Isaac has been battering Louisiana, and now leading rusher Michael Ford and linebacker Tahj Jones might miss the season opener stemming from academic issues. The storms, literal and figurative, will likely be LSU's biggest challenge. North Texas was 5-7 last year and 0-1 against the Top 25.

Reason to watch: LSU's Brad Wing punting in near-hurricane conditions, awful North Texas Mean Green uniforms, the chance of a 77-0 blowout.

What's on the other channel: No. 14 Clemson vs. No. 25 Auburn kicks off on ESPN at 7:00.

Potatoes: 1 out of 4

No. 2 Alabama vs. No. 8 Michigan, 8:00 p.m., ABC

What you need to know: These two teams have only met three times and this is one of only two non-league opponents the Big 10 faces all year. The Crimson Tide are coming off a national championship, while the Wolverines are coming off an 11-win season that included a bowl victory. Michigan QB Denard Robinson is in Heisman consideration today, but a loss tomorrow might sway the hype machine.

Reason to watch: It's basically a bowl game to start the season. Two teams with 1,709 wins and 25 national titles combined are squaring off in Cowboys Stadium and it should blow everyone's college football mind.

What's on the other channel: A rerun of The Hills is on MTV at the same time. Anyone thinking of changing the channel during this one is probably interested in The Hills.

Potatoes: 4 out of 4

No. 3 Southern California vs. Hawaii, 7:30 p.m., Fox

What you need to know: The Trojans are finally playing in a season that can have a post-season after a two-year ban. 2012 is also quarterback Matt Barkley's one and only shot at the BCS title. USC opens the season against a familiar face. Hawaii coach Norm Chow was USC's offensive coordinator from 2001-04.

Reason to watch: Hawaii is 0-7 lifetime against USC ? they have to win at some point, right?

What's on the other channel: With Clemson-Auburn at 7 p.m. and Alabama-Michigan at 8 p.m., catch a quarter of this one in a between and then head for the hills before it gets ugly.

Potatoes: 1.5 out of 4. HOWEVER, the Fox pregame gets a 3 out of 4 since Erin Andrews is hosting, and that is a big deal because it is.

No. 4 Oklahoma vs. UTEP, 10:30 p.m., Fox Sports Network

What you need to know: It's Landry Jones last year with the Sooners, who look to right the wrongs of last season, which included the end of Oklahoma's 39-game unbeaten run at home.

Reason to watch: For the same reason you watch those "when animals attack" specials. UTEP is 4-47 against ranked opponents. Oklahoma has won its last eight regular-season non-conference games by an average of 18 points. Let's not kid ourselves; this won't be pretty.

What's on the other channel: You can check out whatever crazy David Bowie inspired uniform Oregon is wearing on ESPN at 10:30 p.m. I'm in the tank for Four Brothers, which starts at the same time on AMC.

Potatoes: 1.5 out of 4

No. 5 Oregon vs. Arkansas State, 10:30 p.m., ESPN

What you need to know: This isn't the same old Oregon. Yes, there are those zany uniforms we always get worked up about. But Marcus Moriota is the first freshman starting quarterback for the Ducks in 21 years, which could make for an interesting first quarter as he gets settled.

Reason to watch: You'll come for the uniforms. You'll stay for the Pac-12's top-ranked rushing attack of Oregon. And, don't discount the fact Arkansas State went 10-3 last year. Red Wolves coach Gus Malzahn's no-huddle offense could make things interesting.

What's on the other channel: FOUR BROTHERS! Marky Mark and Andre 3000! Game. Set. Match.

Couches: 2 out of 4

No. 11 West Virginia vs. Marshall, Noon, FX

What you need to know: Geno Smith set West Virginia records in 2011 throwing 4,385 yards and 31 touchdowns. But he also crumpled against LSU and Syracuse.

Reason to watch: This is West Virginia's first season in the Big 12 and after years of bullying the Big East, the Mountaineers need to set the tone early against Marshall. Also, Dana Holgorsen looks like the villain in 3 Ninjas, and that's always a fun thing to giggle at.

What's on the other channel: Ohio and Penn State are on ESPN. Watch Penn State's kickoff and then watch Smith and West Virginia cover the 25 ? point spread.

Potatoes: 1.5 out of 4

No. 12 Wisconsin vs. Northern Iowa, 3:30, Big Ten Network

What you need to know: The Badgers are almost the only team in the Big Ten eligible to win the conference this year. Seriously. With no Penn State and no Ohio State, Wisconsin has the opportunity to step up after two consecutive bowl losses. Wisconsin replaced Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson with Danny O'Brien who fled the sinking ship that is Maryland in the offseason.

Reason to watch: Northern Iowa is in the FCS Top 10, and while Wisconsin shouldn't have a problem, you can see some similarities between the Badgers and the Virginia Tech team that lost to FCS powerhouse James Madison two years ago.

What's on the other channel: Bowling Green at No. 23 Florida. Pick your poison.

Potatoes: 2 out of 4 (upgraded to 2.5 if Northern Iowa can hang on in the first half).

No. 14 Clemson vs. No. 25 Auburn, 7:00, ESPN

What you need to know: Clemson set a school record in yards in points last year. Auburn is gradually filling the void left by Cam Newton.

Reason to watch: The only thing counting against this game is that Alabama-Michigan is on at the same time. Unfortunately, that's a pretty big strike against. But consider that Auburn won a come-from-behind 27-24 thriller in OT in 2010 and Clemson returned the favor last season with 38-24 stunner of its own last year.

What's on the other channel: The game everyone else not inside the Georgia Dome will be watching, Alabama-Michigan.

Potatoes: 3 out of 4

No. 15 Texas vs. Wyoming, 8, Longhorn No. 25 Auburn, 7:00, ESPN

What you need to know: Texas was really good for five years, going 69-9 from 2004-09. Texas has been really average since (13-12). Wyoming has never beaten Texas in four meetings lifetime.

Reason to watch: David Ash and Case McCoy (Colt's brother) are still fighting for the Lonoghorns' starting quarterback job. Though Ash will be Saturday's starter, the job is far from secure.

What's on the other channel: This is one of the least compelling things on television at 7:00. You could find more drama in Bravo's rerun of The Real Housewives of New York City. But the safest play is to watch pregame for Clemson-Auburn or Alabama-Michigan.

Potatoes: 0.5 out of 4

No. 16 Nebraska vs. Southern Mississippi, 3:30, ABC

What you need to know: Nebraska has the nation's longest active winning streak in season openers (27). Southern Miss is the defending Conference USA champion.

Reason to watch: On an opening day that looks to have a lot of blowouts and one massive game at night, this is the one afternoon offering that could be engrossing. Southern Miss was 12-2 in 2011, Nebraska has Rex Burkhead and great expectations. On another weekend, this game is like white toast. Saturday, this game is like white toast with butter.

What's on the other channel: If you have the Big Ten Network, No. 12 Wisconsin is on. If you didn't know there was a Big Ten Network, you could always watch a repeat of Swamp People on the History Channel.

Potatoes: 2 out of 4

No. 23 Florida vs. Bowling Green, 3:30, ESPN

What you need to know: This isn't Tim Tebow's Florida anymore. The Gators were a dismal 7-6 last season and lost four consecutive games to Top 25 teams. The offense was 105th in yards per game, and 71st in points per game. Gross.

Reason to watch: I'm not sure. Maybe you can't get one of the other four games being shown on basic cable?

What's on the other channel: Nebraska-Southern Miss, Wisconsin-Northern Iowa, Miami-Boston College, and Tulsa-Iowa State are all on at the same time. Pick one. Watch women's soccer (U.S. vs. Costa Rica on NBC). Watch paint dry. Any of these options is better than Florida vs. Bowling Green.

Potatoes: 0.1 out of 4

TO BE CONTINUED...

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